Everything I’ve learned about being the perfect groom
(there isn’t a lot)

Don’t mess with her spreadsheets
On the guest list spreadsheet (version 14, I think) I added the name of Batfink, plus one. I found it hilarious. She struck me in the face with the laptop.

Be serious about your suit
My best man and I quite fancied the idea of dressing up like Maverick and Goose and coming down the aisle to the sounds of ‘Danger Zone’ by Kenny Loggins. It turns out that girls don’t ‘get’ the Top Gun thing.

If you know nothing, nod
Flowers, cakes, table plans and little bags of tat tied up with ribbons leave me slightly bemused. Expressing an honest opinion would be foolhardy whereas giving encouragement that the missus has made an excellent choice will win you praise and affection.

You are not funny
I thought I was. Apparently not. It seems that my ‘joke’ about how I’d convinced my fiancé that Steven Segal won an Oscar for Under Siege wasn’t a suitable anecdote for a groom’s speech.

If you’re given a job, do it well
I was told to choose suitable readings for the ceremony. I chose the lyrics from ‘Living on a Prayer’ by Bon Jovi. I haven’t been given any jobs since.

The word ‘just’ will inevitably lead to your murder
It’s ‘just’ a dress. It’s ‘just’ a cake. It’s ‘just’ a napkin. Oh no my friend, nothing about a wedding is ‘just’ what you naively thought it to be. Fail to understand the importance of every tiny thing at your own peril.

Don’t be an arse
Despite being a scruffy and generally hopeless lout your wife-to-be is promising to care for you for decades to come. In exchange all she asks is for you to patiently indulge her while she goes slowly mental for a few months. I think that’s a bargain we can all live with, don’t you?

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